To Risk it All

Risk (noun).

1. The possibility of suffering harm or loss; danger.

2. A factor, thing, element, or course involving uncertain danger; a hazard:

What is it like to risk it all? What does that mean to you? Maybe for some its so easy, constantly taking that gamble and having luck on your side, for others it may not even be a word they like to hear. For me the past few weeks I have been pondering what it would be like to risk it all for LOVE.

A song on my playlist was the catalyst that stirred up these emotions inside of me recently. The past few weeks have been filled with those dive deep questions, you know, the ones we try to avoid answering. I have found that through all my personal and professional growth there are still parts of me that are stunted, more particularity, my ability to set my old heart free. Always redefining what love really looks like to me, I have been taking a magnifying glass to my ideal future and what I want for it. In doing so, because of fear, I have started to question A LOT. Yeah from the outside sure I’ve got it all, “Two great kids, an incredible SUPER HERO of a fiancé, and a thriving company expanding faster than I can keep up with”. Internally, there is that silent struggle, the one that isn’t so obvious.

I have found that I am really good at protecting myself, building those walls that no one can penetrate, why? Because its safe in there, if I don’t allow someone in completely, they can never fully hurt me. So why after 4 years of being with someone that shows me the love I deserve and adds insane amounts of happiness to my life, why am I building those walls back up? Because I am comfortable. The past 4 years has been really safe, really fun and now, in my mind its going to get really serious come August. I have the responsibility to be a wife again, a positive influence to three beautiful souls who look up to me, joining everything I’ve worked so hard for and sharing it with someone else again. The responsibility when I think of all of that is so overwhelming. I barely have enough time to shower most days and now I have to make sure I am there enough for four additional people. The scariest part, losing the person I want to spend all of my days with, not having those three little kids in my life after I worked so hard to have that bond with them, losing our home and everything we worked so hard together to create.

Marriage, if you’ve never been, its not as easy as you think it is and having kids doesn’t make it any easier, let alone trying to blend a family that lives in two complete different areas of the state. Getting married for me the second time around, it’s a BIG deal. There is something about taking vows to God in front of your loved one(s), that makes breaking them the most earth shattering moment of your life. There is also something to be said about bringing the past into your future that could possibly recreate that fear. So why when God, the universe, infinite intelligence, whatever you call it, hands you exactly what you’ve always wanted, why are we sometimes willing to let it go? Because of FEAR. It’s those traumatic memories that arise when everything is going well that try to stop us from continuing on that path no matter how happy we are in that moment.

I’ve always been a “free spirit”, so why isn’t my heart as free as my soul? I’ve taken some big risks in my life like leaving a man who was my everything from 18 years old to 28 years old, selling my house and taking every penny of it and opening up a business that very well could have failed, not to mention all the time that has been sacrificed from my personal life to keep it running, and somewhat opening my heart again to a man that deserves the whole thing. I came to a realization last night when I looked into my home, those sweet, wide, brown eyes and they were looking into mine and melting those fears away. They told me that we have and we will always be okay because of the mountains we have already climbed together.

My truth, I am never going to find the answers I am seeking until I set my old heart free. So as I move into the future with this brand new chapter in my life about to start, I am opening the cage door to my old heart and setting it free. It has no place in my new life. I am not letting fear stop me from having what I deserve. For me, to risk it all, is to allow my heart to beat in a way it never has before, to forget about all my failed relationships, to forgive my divorce process, to be vulnerable with my heart and to embrace the chaos it will endure, to love unconditionally, and most importantly know that the greatest heartache I will ever endure is the one I have inflicted upon myself because of fear. I deserve this life and this incredible human being because it is all a reflection of who I am. I am love. I am enough.

courtneygiddes